My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
is wine microwaveable?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
