woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
