I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
