I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
