So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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