got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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