sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
