Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
