Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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