Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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