I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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