Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
