so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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