and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
