Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
