I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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