Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
