dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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