Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
