i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
