JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
