god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Houston, we have a squirter
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
