I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
