If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
