He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
