i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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