Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
