Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
