Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
