You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
