I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize