Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
