So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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