I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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