I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
