I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
