My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
