I will die if light touches me.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
