Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
