i think i have two assholes
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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