I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
