I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
