Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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