I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
