I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
