I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
