We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
