When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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