saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
