woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
