The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
