i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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