3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
