life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
