if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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